ISAIAH 41

Been having a rough time as of late, and the other night something beautiful happened.

I was lying down getting ready for bed and I was reading in Isaiah, I tend to flip randomly in the bible and see what sticks out and I also tend to stick to certain books that are comforting in times of unrest.

I flipped to Isaiah and landed on chapter 41, Isaiah is one of my favorite old testament books and has so many comforting chapters and wonderful prophecies of Christ (Isaiah 9:6).

As I was reading I heard something…

“HELP!”

I was a bit confused and afraid, I definitely heard that and I had a concept of where that came from, a spirit just simply crying for help, in a way it sounded like my own voice as well in deep distress because I certainly was (Romans 8:26-27)

That caught me off guard, that voice cut through. The only reason I was afraid of it was because of my misconception of it, thought I was going crazy but I just kept reading Isaiah 41 and I got to verse 10

‘Do not fear, for I am with you;

Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.

I will make you mighty, surely I will HELP you;

Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

My first prayer to God was so simple yet so profound, I couldn’t repeat it if I tried, and the sum of it was “help”. I said those exact words.

He heard me, sometimes I wonder if what I say falls on deaf ears, but he listens.

Wanted to remember that moment so much, It was so comforting, so blissful, so much peace, so much grace.

Never want to let that from my heart so I had to write it down.

(Had a thought, God replayed me asking for help right back in my ear —to show me how much he remembers— and to show how profound and faithful his love is.)

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU

I got home and I was meditating on how far I’ve come with Christ, how truly far Christ had taken me, and I only had one question.

WHY?

Why would God deliver me from my afflictions so abruptly, knowing what I have done? Knowing how I’ve treated people I claimed to have loved and most importantly rejecting the God who has loved me from the beginning…. Why?

For years I had been struggling with paranoia and psychosis coupled with depression and anxiety attacks. I saw my future as a dim light about to go out forever. flickering from time to time. The more I struggled the more I sinned.

But for a curious two weeks I decided to change it up a little. I stopped watching pornography and started ready the bible. In an attempt to see what God could do for me. I started watching testimonies on YouTube. Seeing how peoples Lives were changed so drastically by Jesus gave me hope for my future. at the end of the testimonies they would say a prayer and at the end of one of them I decided to pray along.

A WEIGHT LIFTED

I sat there crying in the middle of that prayer, feeling that when I asked God to forgive me he truly did. I asked God a different question when he forgave me, how? How could God forgive me knowing what I’ve done, what I’ve seen and what I’ve enjoyed. I was truly perplexed. Years of disobedience washed away by two weeks of obedience. It was truly an incredible feeling. I understood something about Gods mercy in that moment, it is truly far reaching.

A month or two after that I found myself enjoying the peace of God, also understanding how I felt before I knew God. It was truly dark without Christ, but with Christ I had a peace and calmness in my life. That was such a stark contrast to my previous life. I crumbled in that acknowledgment, how God could show such mercy to me, How God could clear up my mind and give me peace and let me in on this new reality, controlled and conformed by his wonderous love.

So I asked God why? and He said

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU